He rested his head in his hands and bowed for a long time. I waited for him to speak; and he finally whispered slowly, carefully selecting his words, “I spent my life traveling all over the world. I am a successful businessman and contractor. All my children are in universities or in business. But I don’t find any joy in life. I do not see any reason to continue.” Then he asked me, “Why am I engulfed in the idea of death?” He broke down, and tears rolled down his cheeks. He stopped them apologetically.
His question occupied me. Philosophers are still differing on which is more natural, life or death. Some say that death is the only firm fact on this earth. Others say that life precedes death and is the root of existence. Some come back saying that life was created out of inanimateness. They also say that all creatures struggle their whole lives, and then go back to that state. Freud says that the instinct of life and death in people is a manifestation of a battle in which death inevitably wins regardless of the length of the battle. Nonetheless, the banner of life stays up.
Away from philosophy, a psychiatrist diagnoses depression when the patient is talking about death and the lack of will to continue to struggle. In the midst of life and trying to earn a living in a poor country, depression seems to be a minor concern. However, the feelings of sadness and pain are sometimes very strong. These feelings push the person towards suicide, with the life instinct, strong religious belief, and fear of punishment in the hereafter as factors finally preventing it.
Many people suffering from depression do not talk about death, but about memories. When a person enters the fifth or sixth decade of his life and especially in the midst of problems and pressure, he remembers his youth, tries to retrieve it, and tries to remodel his life for that purpose. “Mid-life crisis” is the term used by psychologists for this phenomenon. In this stage, the wife digs through her memories, and sometimes rebels against the unfairness suffered through the long years of marriage to a man that does not treat her well. She is in her forties, and all she wants is a word of love and praise. If she despairs, she asks for divorce.
As to the man who spent his life in business and moneymaking, he suddenly wakes up and sees the train of life passing him by. He tries to catch it before it reaches its final destination. He puts on a smile, bleaches his hair, and goes to great lengths to try to capture a new love before his days are over.
In some cases, these changes seem natural, and may raise self-confidence. Other times, they are a manifestation of depression, especially if accompanied by guilt and feelings that life has left him/her behind. Then memories center on a lost love or a lost opportunity.
I have noticed that a sufferer’s description of depression is similar to a victim’s description of him/herself. Maybe this closeness between depression and victimization encouraged me to apply what I saw on the personal level to the national level, in order to try to understand the contemporary Palestinian political state in the context of the collective psyche of the Palestinian people. Since the catastrophe of 1948, the overwhelming feeling of the Palestinian people has been that they are victims. The catastrophe of 1948 was a stunning traumatic event that left behind many symptoms of depression. These symptoms were further worsened by the military Occupation that brought about feelings of helplessness. Eventually, anger rose and mixed with feelings of rebellion under national and religious banners. These led to the eruption of the Intifada. But the Intifada was followed by the disappointments of the failures of the peace process and poor Palestinian administration. Thus, the feelings of victimization prevailed over the feelings of victory that had spread for the first few years of the Intifada.
Like the wife who suffered injustice throughout life, Palestine should go over the memories of fifty years of catastrophe, revolution, Occupation, Intifada, and a ‘peace’ process. For Palestine, we should ask ourselves, “Where were we? Where are we now? Where are the martyrs? Where is the PLO? Where are the prisoners? Where is freedom? Where are the mistakes to learn from? Where are the sins that need forgiveness? Did we waste our lives chasing a far-fetched dream, like a woman who wasted her life trying to find the unknown lover?” As we cling to the beautiful memories of the lost homeland, we should loudly ask, “Are we today on the road to renaissance and building? Or are we still victims of ourselves, our slogans, and our ailments?”
Despite the simplicity of these questions, they are not easy to answer. The reassessment period should be clear so as not to lead to total depression. We should rise up and recover our self-confidence for a new beginning.
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