I was released from Israeli jail in 1998 after a long painful journey of severe torture that started in 1990. Up till now, I still feel as if I'm living in jail, bitter memories pursue me and devour my spirit. Memories still reveal pains and blood despite the long years of my release. I tried to forget… I tried to handle my pains and injuries by myself, but I couldn’t; memories and cruel faces of interrogators who tried to steal my freedom and break my will, memories of torture by all means have prevailed.

By these painful words, (H.M.N.) started his torture story. He is 36 years old man, married and his wife is pregnant for the first time. He's a policeman in the Middle Area of the Gaza Strip. "My journey of torture started at the first moments of detention when the soldiers broke into my home. Meanwhile, the soldiers destroyed the household furniture, inspected the closets and my office. They beat me in front of my family, handcuffed me, blindfolded me, and kicked me into their patrol jeep. The soldiers celebrated my arrival in the detention center; they stepped on me, and started beating me with no mercy, using helmets and guns, and swearing at me. When I arrived into Gaza Central Prison, the so-called slaughterhouse, the soldiers inspected me and stole things that I owned that time. In fact, I arrived the prison at 3:00 a.m. When the soldiers ordered me to take off my clothes, I thought they will let me keep the underwear; yet, they forced me to take them off, and gave me blue, old rags of clothes, smelled very disgusting, called "an overhaul" with a big, unsuitable size. Of course, I put it on unwillingly. Then, I was transferred to the physician for initial diagnosis. To me, it was a real slaughterhouse. I questioned whether they brought me to death because the physicians come back again. The journey of agony started as they put my head in a black plastic sack that smelled stinking. Then, they put me in a hall full of detainees who were screaming. At that time, the soldiers began beating me with cudgels, as if they were in a mass party of collective torture…

After a never- ending night of collective torture, I was interrogated on the grounds of resistance against the Israeli occupation and opening fire towards a military patrol. They suffocated me till I was about to die, and pressured on my sexual organs, putting my head in cold water. The journey of torture lasted for a month. I found myself entirely collapsing, and then I confessed of all what I have of accusations. Meanwhile, I felt that I lost my humanity. I thought I will be left alone now to relax. However, to my surprise, they came back and asked me to confess about my companions-in-resistance; they put me in a small freezer, and then returned me into interrogation (torture) again to get more confessions from me. This time, I decided to resist and remain steadfast and not to confess about my companions in resistance. Torture crushed my psyche; destroyed it from within. I finally get out from the journey of torture into the court where I was sentenced with 8 years of imprisonment. As soon as I heard the announcement of the sentence, I couldn’t believe and tried to keep calm. But, more importantly, torture ended. Nonetheless, another voyage of memories started again, and I started to have flashbacks of the torture experience. I had difficulties with my sleep. More importantly, after my sentence, I was transferred to Negev desert detention camp. At that point, I started smoking in an attempt to minimize the impacts of my torture experience. For 8 years in the prison, I suffered tremendously resulting from the torture experience. Then, I was released. For years, I remained avoiding talking about my agony and suffering; felt depressed and lonely, continuously crying when sitting alone; lost my appetite; overall, I became unable to live a normal life anymore...

All of the sudden, a friend advised me to visit Gaza Community Mental Health Programme (GCMHP), where my treatment started. I was diagnosed as having depression. Consequently, management plan was set for me. It included pharmaco-therapy, support therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Furthermore, I given training exercises on relaxation in order to deal with the trauma that I was exposed to in the prison, which also helped my depression state.

My treatment at the GCMHP's Deir El-Balah Community Center lasted for six months. I felt much progress, and realized the importance of life. During the management period, I decided to get married. My memories of traumatic events significantly decreased. At the moment, I am waiting my baby. I hope that s\he will not suffer in his or her life the same way I did. I hope that safety and security prevail in our community.